Today is the first day that I make time out for me. Just me. Alone.
Today I have walked 3 miles.
Today I have swam 20 lengths.
Today I have done the exercise bike for 30 mins to work my knees.
Today I have ate breakfast and prepared my lunch.
Today I feel on top of the world.
Today will come around again tomorrow.
Then I will pay for today and consider giving up.
But I wont, because I am determined to:
- return to my size 10 jeans.
- be able to breathe without gasping for air.
- feel like I am 41 not 60.
- respect my life and good health.
- build up my self esteem and really feel like I am worth something.
In just a few weeks I turn 42. I don’t mind my age, I have 4 great kids and an awesome granddaughter to show for it. I have memories that no one can take, destroy or rewrite. I have laughed till I fell off chairs, cried till I couldn’t breathe, loved till my heart exploded and all because I have a life. I am a person. I have an individuality that makes me who I am. I am a work in progress. I like me.
I love me.
I am a lot of wonderful things. I am not perfect. I am still wonderful though.
So today I began celebrating that.
Because one day I am going to look down the corridor of my life and I am not going to say:
- I wish I hadn’t been afraid.
- I should of taken better care of my body.
- I never felt worth anything away from a computer screen.
- I always wanted to regain my regular weight.
- I could never quite make the grade.
- I have failed at more than I have achieved.
- I want to love unconditionally.
- I didn’t have the courage.
Nope, I am not going to be at the end of my life here on earth and have a moment to reflect on what I don’t feel up to doing now.
Life is short. Life is strange. Life is difficult. Life is fun. Life is happy. Life is challenging.
But life is whatever choice we make it to be.
My life is about being a mom. Oh I love being a mom.
I am also loving being a Nanna.
But my life also means I am me. Deborah, Debbie, Debs, Deb. I am also aunt, daughter, sister, cousin, neighbour, friend and colleague.
Treat me right and I will move the earth for you.
Treat me wrong and I will retreat. Do what I should and wait till I have had enough. Then I act.
My glass is more often half full.
Bring me down and I convert to it being half empty.
Because I feel the pain of others.
I empathise. I worry. I pray. I take time for them.
Kick me and I may not stand so close again.
I have to protect me.
But I am not afraid to reveal all to enable you to see what I am made of.
So today is the first day of the part of me that I have kept locked up for a while.
The real me, the love, the passion, the dreams, the desires, the rose tinted visions and the way I want to see the world around me.
So forgive me if I quit defending myself, forgive me if I quit saying sorry, forgive me if I stand for what I feel or believe.
God made me for a reason.
I cannot deny or hide that anymore.
So now, I am going to be all that God intended me to be. For the 2 of you who have read my patriarchal blessing, you know exactly what He made me to be.