Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Me, my faith and my sheer frustration

For almost 14 years I have been Lds (Mormon). I have never regretted a second of it. Like any other choice in life there's been easy times and hard times, good times and bad. I've been ridiculed and I've been challenged, I've been called weird names and I've lost 'friends' but never did I ever get to a conclusion that I have now that wasn't so obviously isolating and condescending.

You see, I haven't been going to church for just over a year now. One or two people know why and others haven't bothered to ask. I've tried to talk about it, to listen to others similar experiences and be as open as I can yet I find I'm supposed to 'do it' just because I know its right. Well I don't work like that. I have no doubts about the gospel, about God and Jesus Christ. I have no doubts about Joseph Smith and President Monson. I do, however doubt many (but not all) members and for the life of me I cannot get past the fact that I choose carefully who is in my personal life so how can I sit amongst people I cant sustain then 'socialise' in a way that really makes me feel fake?

The sad thing is I cannot change the conclusion I have come to.

There are two types of people in the church. Married and single.

The married ones don't know what to do with us, the look of misplaced pity all over their faces, with what seems like a fear of us calling them out on the standard question 'is there anything I can do to help?' We know darn well that our answer should be 'ooh thank you but I'm ok'. What do they expect us to reply with? I'm confused on this, is it they can't relate to us emotionally? Think we are going to break down on them? Do they consider us a failure and not quite 'there' in the gospel? Pfft If anything, we are probably closer in the gospel because of our challenges.

Then there's the singles where grown women put themselves across as princesses, men are the victims and need a wife to fulfil all that the first wife couldn't because of all her many faults and damages. Neither one charitable to ex's because for some reason, ex's just have to be enemies. Really? I can't say my ex's are my favourite people but once the hurt and frustrations are dealt with (part of divorce I'd say) you move on, let them live their lives, stop looking to criticise them, stop looking to blame them for the things in Africa. No, in Christ you learn to adapt, accept you are both coming from different directions now, you are supposed to rise above any bitchiness, ignore the nastiness and pray for them. Whats that scripture, Love thy enemy? Not easy but from a distance it can be done even if it takes a life time. Stop dwelling on you and dwell of the big picture.

Then you have the non Lds married people who chat to you on any level because they can relate to you in some way on some level of your life, they don't often care if your single or married or anything in between. The non Lds singles are more concerned with having someone to chat and laugh with than they are about their status.

Status is a huge issue with Lds, whether they admit it or not.

Lately I have have a few people 'de-friend' me after getting married. All Lds and all very confusing as I'm not sure of their purpose in the first place.

I've messaged each one individually to congratulate them and wish them all well and not one has had the good manners to reply much less say why they no longer need fellow single friends. Not that I really expected a reply, manners seem to escape many Lds in my experience!

Is this such a huge thing in the Mormon world? Or is it just here in the Uk? I'm confused.

Then you get the 'I'm not a gossip but my opinion is....' kinda person. Yeah I've fell into category, guilty. I've also had the stark realisation that I had to stop, repent and put it right. My opinion is only that, MY opinion! It relevant only to me and should only be shared if appropriate and not regarding to another person, especially if they are not present. Sharing good thoughts and opinions on someone should be encouraged, seek the good in someone rather than the bad. Not easy at times but it helps.

So when someone on my friends list makes a remark that is obviously a dig and you know he won't man up and explain it I am proven yet again that Lds people are really not the kind of people I want to associate with.

For all we are taught, all the inspiration we can receive I've never met with such a congregation of hypocrisy in my entire life. I'm not the only one that feels this, yet we don't get heard unless its to throw scriptures at us. Try being human, try keeping it real, try understanding. We can all change the world one work at a time if only we remembered to look down now and again and lift someone up.

Honesty? Its down to if the person has the balls for it.
Integrity? Its a show b/c the princess is desperate to be loved & the prince is the victim.
Christlike? He'd be ashamed at the half hearted, feeble, dishonest attempts.

So while this post won't gain me any points, I'm standing by what I think and I'm exercising my right to throw a point out there that even if one Lds person stops to think about it then job done, especially if they do something different.

STOP discriminating
STOP alienating
STOP assuming
STOP looking down with no open hand to lift up
STOP sitting on your laurels thinking b/c you do this or do that that you are out of the woods, you are probably worse off than me for it
STOP making excuses. Imagine if Jesus done that to you?

Do remember the gospel is for everyone
Do remember your opinion does not have to be everything
Do reach out and learn what Christlike is
Do understand we are all different and unique
Do ask the question rather than listen to gossip
Do remember, how you judge you will be judged
Do remember that my challenge may not be yours, your blessing may not be mine.

So if you are offended by any of this may I suggest you address that rather than me? I can't offend someone if they don't give me the power to and that is usually by guilty conscience than the assumption I am being nasty.

I apologise if I have offended anyone in respect of the church. This is not, in any way a blotch on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints but a personal reflection on many members I've seen on my own journey. Be the person you say you are, words are see through mirrors, actions are solid.

One more thing, while you are busy judging me..... I am the one walking away praying for you.

Debs
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