Having done some random adjustments in the garden it means that I now spend my evenings sat outside, sometimes alone and sometimes with friends, either is fine with me, it's so nice to be able to do that.
Coming to terms with a life changing condition means my emotions are up and down, I can cry for no reason and laugh in the next breath. It's very unnerving to feel like I'm going crazy and isolated at the sane time.
My journal is filling up a little quicker than usual, the adversary hasn't finished with me yet and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. However, I have to keep going.
I sat and drank a whole glass of wine a few nights ago. Very unlike me as I have up drinking a long time ago (though I did have the odd sip here and there a while ago) and although the first sip went to my head the second relaxed me. By the end of the glass it had the desired effect and I no longer hurt emotionally, mentally or physically.
You see, I finally gave in and admitted I have depression. I have tablets to take but they scare me, I don't want an addiction and as an arthritis bearer there is an increased chance I could bleed internally. As hard as I'm finding things dome days I'm not ready or willing to induce more health issues and risk my life. So I'm doing the psychological thing and using them as a reminder that I can do this alone, sometimes in the literal sense too. I'm ok with that, it's probably easier without others around telling me to suck it up or I should count my blessings.
I DO count my blessings, every night I lay my head on my pillow I'm thankful fir my bed, when I wake up I'm thankful fir another day, when I'm in pain I'm thankful it's not a terminal illness, when I'm sat wondering how I'm going to come back from all this I'm grateful I know it will happen. I'm grateful fir my friend Paula who calls me every morning and makes me laugh, lets me cry and complain without getting stressed with/at me, for the texts she sends every afternoon telling me something she likes about me. I'm thankful I can potter about my garden, albeit taking longer than reasonable to complete a task but it gets done. I'm thankful I am me because right now, no matter how much I'm hurting, I'm learning, feeling peaceful and in a way at peace, at least with today.
- Posted from my iPhone