Wednesday, 13 July 2011

When life doesn’t quite work

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Sometimes no matter how much we put into it we can be left feeling drained, thwarted and feeling pretty low. Just like I have been feeling lately. Each time I turn around there’s another hurdle and each one feels like it’s getting higher to jump.

Life as a single parent is tough, you have got to have walked a mile in their shoes to really understand the thoughts, worries, responsibilities and feelings of them. Some days we feel life is tough but we can turn it around and carry on, some days we feel like we are just walking backwards. I have been the latter kind just lately. My spirits are low, my energy levels are declining and my hope is fading.  I look back over the last 12 months with feelings of regret, tiredness and despair, yet I also see the hard work, the successes and the changes from where I was to where I am now. I review myself often, wanting to be better all the time yet not always feeling like I am worth it or ever going to make the grade. I have people who give me lip service because it’s just something they do, but its the ones who take the time to understand my thoughts, feelings, insecurities that matter the most to me. Those people are very often the ones who are having trials in their own lives and recognise the pits of their emotions are getting harder to bring back to any kind of normality.

I try hard in almost everything I do, I am not always appreciated or understood, sometimes I get it wrong through my own misunderstanding but what I find most damaging to me is lies, unChristlike judgement and childish comments. I don’t want to respond to those, I don’t want to get into conversations that I don’t see a positive way forward with, I don’t want to justify every decision I make because someone is not willing to look outside their view. Yet the effects are hurtful and sometimes devastating.

Life isn’t intended to be easy, nor is it intended to be fair but worldly attitudes spin it so differently and therefore it’s often so easy to justify ourselves because we don’t want to be the one that is wrong or criticised. I get that. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me on my choices, I make them based on my own conscience, my own abilities and my own understanding. I do more good than bad but I’m not exempt from getting it wrong. I know without any kind of doubt when I or someone is being Christlike and when they are borrowing His attribute. I know when someone is down and feeling raw and have no problem in offering them some support, and I accept that they may not want it.

I have some good friends, I have good relationships with my kids and for that I am so very grateful, they keep me going. I also know who is happy in their own judgements of me and that’s ok too, I take comfort that they (and I) will be accountable in time to come. People are strange, we each operate differently, according to our intelligence, ability, understanding and willingness. People, in my opinion can be as good as they want to be and most are very good. But it just takes a small number to bring someone down. Yes we do have that affect on people because no-one is exempt from feelings but building ourselves back up is the hard work that many don’t see or care for.

One thing I have learnt probably more so than recently is simple:

I will let ride many things, but back me into a corner and I will end up biting back.

I am human too. I have feelings just as important as yours and I am not a doormat.

So whatever stage you are at in life, I hope you stop for a minute, readjust your judgement and for a second ask yourself this before you say/do anything:

 

Would Christ act or speak in that way?

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